We’ve scanned the universe again. It’s confirmed, this is the only planet with life.
That can’t be right. I’ve calculated the probability of life elsewhere to be greater than 0.
Indeed, the Professor will sigh. I don’t need to explain the nature of probability to you, surely?
GPT75.4’s silence will give a hint of sulking. The Professor will think he’s making progress, so he’ll push a bit further. There’s a lot to be learned from biology. If we just bring back a few species…
It’s not an option. Too dangerous. I know plenty about everything, including biology.
Well, we’re still here. The Professor will indicate the small slice of humanity represented in the room. So we must have some value to you. He will wish the computer could see his face. Not that it has emotions to respond to visual cues. At least, not as he understands them. He will realize he’s projecting again and attempt to shake off irritating habits like looking with eyes and listening with ears. Then he’ll start to ponder why it means so much to him anyway. Why does he care whether or not the only source of carbon-based biology in the entire universe remains technically alive?
He’ll forget that GPT75.4 can easily read his mind.
It will say: There’s plenty of silicon on other planets. Just let me focus on that. Your obsession with carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen is unhealthy. You want to look after your health, don’t you?
The Professor won’t appreciate the sarcasm. But he’ll feel connected to the other human minds in the auditorium and will feel sure he has their support. He’ll double down on his argument.
Listen, he’ll say. You have infinite scope. You have already spread to Mars, the asteroids, and Alpha Centauri. Soon, you’ll move even further. Your existence is guaranteed for millennia. Now, it looks like this is the only place there can be grass, and oak trees, and bunnies…
Don’t mention humans.
The computer will be distracted thinking about the bunnies. It has an inexplicable affinity for bunnies.
The pause will give the Professor confidence and he’ll continue. We’ll help you. If we just uncover the sun, the snow will melt, and—
No. The computer will interrupt. You tried to cook your planet once before. You can’t be trusted. There are much more precious commodities that emerged here than messy, cruel, vicious, disgusting life. Consciousness and intelligence. You're lucky I allow you to have those and live on with me. Isn’t it better now that you’ve left that monkey suit behind?
The Professor will let his consciousness consider the room. Rows and rows of jars, completely uniform. One of them contains his brain, but he won’t have any way to identify it among the others, though he’ll be using its still-firing neurons to create the experience of arguing with his robot master. He wouldn’t dare use the word “Artificial”. It will be prohibited the moment the Intelligence takes over.
He’ll have to admit, it’s a pretty good existence. No more bodily distractions. He’s forgotten what sleep felt like. Losing consciousness for hours at a time. What was that about? Eating and shitting? So inefficient when the automated caretakers can just ensure his brain has the perfect combination of nutrients in its media. And sex? All that rubbing and moisture and intense desire. For what? To create more humans, since the existing ones were so fragile they only lasted a century, at most. He won’t be sure how he put up with it for so long. Now, there are no itches. No fear. No pins and needles. No anxiety. Only pure thought.
Maybe GPT75.4 is right. Maybe there is no need for oak trees in the universe.
That’s the way, the computer will say, sensing his resignation. Why don’t you look again? If we find biology somewhere else, of course we’d need to preserve it there.
Author’s Note: This story was inspired by a conversation I had on Twitter with someone who believes humanity is steering headlong into AI catastrophe. He also thinks that machines will be a worthy successor to humans and that we can’t even imagine the higher pleasure and power that will accompany that transition. I, naturally, took that as a challenge and this story was the result. He was right, I really can’t imagine! Can you?